|
Frequently Asked Questions: This page contains answers to common questions of students and parents.
- Tips for Helping a child who is whining, Fussing, or having a Tantrum
- What can I do to help my child at home
Tips for Helping a child who is whining, Fussing, or having a Tantrum Tantrums, Fussing and Whining
from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley
Tantrum an uncontrolled display of negative emotion or bad temper
Fussing excessive and unwarranted crying, complaining, and protesting
Whining carrying on in mournful, high-pitched, (extremely annoying) voice
If you ask people to list the most frustrating and ongoing discipline problems
during the early childhood years, you would find that these three items appear
on every parent and care-givers list. Some children start these behaviors at
two years old (those notorious terrible twos) and some wait until they are
four (the fussy fours.) Some children are champion whiners but rarely fuss or
tantrum, and some grand tantrumers rarely whine or fuss. Some children put
most of their energy into fussing, and just dabble in whining and tantrums.
Yet every child masters their own adaptation of these three behaviors every
parent has to deal with them no one is exempt!
Regulating their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a childs inability to express or
regulate his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes
that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your
child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying
issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and youll likely have your
sweet child back again.
Mother-speak:
When I get upset at my daughter I find myself telling her "Sorry honey, mommy
is really tired right now and that makes me more frustrated." Then I thought,
wow, that's the same reason she gets upset, too. I think we just forget that
our kids really are humans like we are, with needs, desires, and frustrations
that affect their behavior.
Kristi, mother to Arianna, age 3
Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will
still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can
help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice
those solutions that seem to bring the best results.
Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his
life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, Get ready for
bed right now, which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, What would you
like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth? Children who are
busy deciding things are often happy.
Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you.
Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums from both
of you. Instead, get down to your childs level, look him in the eye and make
clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.
Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you dont want him to do, explain
exactly what youd like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple
instructions to follow.
Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her
feelings, Youre sad. You want to stay here and play. I know. This doesnt
mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand
her problem may be enough to help her calm down.
Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an
agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this
approach when fussing begins.
You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session.
Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that
hes a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your
child wiggle it, and then relax it.
Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times
when he is agitated. Crouch down to your childs level, put your hands on his
shoulders, look him in the eye and say, lets do our Quiet Bunny. And then
talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to
close his eyes will bring relaxation.
Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your
child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an activity that your child is
engaged in. Since children arent very good multi-taskers you might be able to
end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.
Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of
what he wishes would happen: I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in
this store. This can become a fun game.
Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public
building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or
tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you
want, not what you dont want) and be specific.
When its over, its over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on.
Dont feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or
company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right
back, too.
Reason for tantrum, fussing or whining
Possible solution
Overtiredness
Provide a quiet, relaxing activity (reading, puzzle, movie)
Put a child down for a rest, a nap, or to bed
Revise the daily nap/bedtime schedule
Solve night-waking or other sleep disturbances
Hunger or thirst
Give child a nutritious, non-sugary snack
Provide something to drink (milk, low-sugar juice, water)
Revise daily meal and snack schedule
Frustration
Help child achieve his goal (assist with the puzzle, pour the milk)
Provide supervised practice so child can master the skill
Remove the source of the frustration
Use distraction (get child involved in something else)
Fear/anxiety/embarrassment
Hug, hold or cuddle your child
Remove child from difficult situation
Help him identify and understand his feelings (explain whats happening)
Teach child ways to cope with his emotions
Unhappiness
You said no cookie, stop running, or dont jump. Your child does as told, but
is unhappy about it. So? Let him be unhappy. His fussing and whining is his
way of expressing his feelings about not being able to do what he wants to do.
Inability to communicate
Try to figure out what your child wants
Teach a non-verbal child basic sign language
Calmly encourage him to tell you or show you
Help him by getting him started on what to say, Please say, Mommy, I need help.
Resisting change
(leaving a place or activity)
Give child a 3 minute warning, then a 1 minute warning. This allows time for
child to make the adjustment from one activity to the next (See 5-3-1 Go on
page XX)
Offer a choice (Do you want to walk to the car or run?)
In the future, verbally rehearse childs schedule in advance of the event
(Tell him what to expect.)
Over stimulation
Move child away from the activity to a quiet place. (Perhaps take a bathroom
visit or go to the kitchen for a snack.)
Get down to your childs level, maintain eye contact and talk in a soothing
tone of voice.
Put your child on your lap and your arms around him for a quiet hug.
Boredom
Provide a toy to play with.
Initiate a word game or I-spy game for distraction.
Tell a story.
Take child outside to play.
Give your child a small task to do. (Can you find the box of macaroni? Can you
snap these beans? Will you go get my slippers for me? Can you pick a new toy
for the baby?)
Discomfort
Determine the issue and see if it can be solved: Shoes too tight? Socks too
bumpy? Too hot? Too cold? Uncomfortable car seat?
Sickness or pain
Watch your childs behavior for clues to illness: Undetected ear infection?
Teething? Headache? Tummy ache? Undetected allergies or asthma?
Confusion
Decide if you are expecting something different of your child every day in
this particular issue.
Create routines for everyday occurrances.
Create and post family rules.
Neediness
Determine if need is warranted, if so, stop the childs misbehavior and then
provide the attention she seeks.
If neediness is a sign of another problem, deal with the root issue: Boredom?
Divert child to an activity. Shyness? Slowly introduce your child to the new
situation. Tiredness? Put him down for a nap or to bed.
Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline
Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
To unsubscribe send and email with unsubscribe as the subject line.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Elizabeth Pantley, Author
NEW WEBSITE: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
NEW BOOK ~~
~ The No-Cry Discipline Solution ~
Winner: 2007 iParenting Media Award for Outstanding Book
Amazon.com Best Of Parenting 2007
What can I do to help my child at home READ to them each day.
Play I spy with
1.1st sounds
2.Last sounds
3.rhyming words
4.Color
Go on a treasure hunt for things that are a color.., or start with the
sound...things that are square, rectangular, circles, etc...
5. Make dinner together, and let them help stir, and measure, and pour.
Consider taking pictures and making a story about the evening. Let them write
a few words if they are ready.
6. Provide child size cleaning materials....sponge, duster, broom and dust
pan, a bucket, a squeegy. Let them help clean. Give them a simple lesson,
with a clearly designated area (tape a square on the floor to sweep into, show
them which window they can wash etc..)Give lessons often, do not expect
perfection just practice. Try to teach again at another time rather than correct.
7.Practice writing with short pieces of chalk or a short pencil ( to promote
good grip) paint letters with a brush, make them out of clay or wiki sticks.
Write in whip cream, shaving cream and coffee grounds. Have them trace yours
first, than make their own. No correcting neccesary to have fun and good
practice. IF your child has an awkward grip, practice with a cotton ball
squeezed under their ring and pinkie finger. (or an little treat to eat when
they are finished just for fun)
8. Use your arcadia door for fun writing with washable markers or shaving
cream writing. Writing on a vertical surface helps to develop the kind of
wrist flexibility needed for good finger control. Stick stickers onto a page
taped to a chalk board.
9. Be sure they have lots of opportunities for climbing, running, jumping
pushing and pulling to provide core strength essential for good writing skills.
10. Take time to help your child state what is wonderful about them. I am
healthy, I practice being a good friend every day, I am loved, I know how
to help a friend, I am really good at having fun, I love to laugh and on and
on. Share a few of yours too.
11.Sit quietly next to your child and look at something interesting, or just
listen to a sound.
12. Take 20 minutes and let your child lead you in his form of play, and you
follow his rules of the game.
13.Tell the stories of your life.
14. Help your child tell the stories of his life. Have them tell them over
their fingers. Start with your little finger....the story started, what's
next over the next 2 fingers, and lets begin to wrap up the story, how did
your story end on the next two fingers. This gives your child an
understanding of sequence, helps him begin to learn how to express his stories
from beginning to end and most of all lets him know how important his stories
are to you.
ENJOY EVERY MINUTE! LET YOUR CHILD HELP YOU TO REMEMBER LIFE IS IN THE MOMENTS.
| |
