The story of the month will highlight a different issue that students may be
facing. This month's story has to do with 'friends' that are not treating
each other with respect. I found the following in the Dear Abby archives.
DEAR ABBY: I am 9, and my friends "Amber" and "Hunter" constantly pick fights
with me. Sometimes the fights are about who's first in line, or who has the
most pencils. Amber is the hardest to be with. She picks these little fights
every day. Once we had a huge fight about staying friends. Our teacher took
us into the library and told us that we were in the same "boat" and to work
it out.
Amber promised to try and stop it, and we made up. But the next day she was
back at it again.
I think Amber and Hunter talk about me behind my back. Whenever they're mad
at each other, they come to me and say all the horrible things that the other
person has done. Once on a field trip, they got another girl to come with
them while we were in a fight, and she made fun of me.
Every time we get into quarrels, we make up. But I feel like they are
controlling me. I have gone along with it, but I can't stand it anymore. I
don't want to be in the same "boat" with them anymore. Please help. Am I the
bad guy? -- LOST IN ARIZONA
This situation is difficult to recognize in students because it is
often 'friends' and the student is reluctant to tell anyone because they
don't want to lose their friend. They usually don't want to cause any
problems because it is much easier to be on their 'good side' than on
their 'bad side.' The truth is the children that engage in these behaviors
are using their friendship to exert power over another student, particularly
because it is almost always two or more students against one when
these 'fights' break out. It often leaves the victim feeling ostracized and
alone and they may even blame themselves, as noted above as the girl asks
Abby if she was the ‘bad guy’.
It is important to create an environment where your child feels comfortable
talking about the situation. This may not be with you (parent). Please don't
be offended, some children don't want to share with their parents that their
friends are being mean to them. They are often hesitant to tell an adult
because they know the friends will eventually be nice to them again and they
don't want their parents to hold a grudge against them. Other adults like
grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, siblings and friends of the
family may be a better choice. The important thing is to find out the problem
and notify the school or help the student takes steps to resolve it.
One thing you can do is to talk to your child about how school is going.
Students will often tell you with their body language, not with their words,
so watch for cues like looking down, appearing to physically deflate,
sighing, avoiding eye contact or looking nervous or uncomfortable. Also be
sure to ask about outside activities like scouts, sports, religious
schools, anything that your child is involved in with their peers. You can
also discuss how to treat others and how you can expect to be treated.
Children learn well vicariously. Create an example from work or something in
your adult life when someone treated you poorly and explain how you handled
it (only grades 3 and above). Idea: Print out the Dear Abby above and read it
together. Ask them if they've ever seen that happen in school (not
necessarily to them). If yes, ask more questions. Allow them to tell you the
story in the third person. Finally, ask if it has ever happened to them.
It is important that students do not tolerate being treated poorly from
anyone, including their friends. Once you have ascertained this is happening,
give them strategies for discussing the issue with their friends.
I am also willing to help in any way possible. I've often used puppets to
help a younger student verbalize their feelings. Older students are able to
practice what they would say to their friends via a role play with me. Other
times I offer for the students to come to my room to mediate the issue. This
involves each student having time to discuss their feelings and their side of
the story without interruption. I will then have the other student repeat
back what the first student said (to ensure understanding). We switch roles
and then they both brainstorm solutions. They choose the best solution and
put that in place. Sometimes we even sign a contract that the students
develop. I follow-up with the students in the following week to make sure all
is going smoothly.
If you feel your child would benefit from talking to someone about their
friendship issues, please call me at 732-613-6876 or email me at
jhilligus@ebnet.org. Also, if you would like any suggestions or ideas on how
to handle a particular situation with your student, please feel free to
contact me.
