This is a picture of how a boy feels about his parent's divorce. This
is what he says when describing the picture.
“This is what divorce sometimes seems like to me. Sometimes I am on the
road I don't want to be on. Sometimes I can't decide which road to go on. At
times, I get confused!” -Age 10
The story of the month will highlight a different topic your child may be
dealing with personally. This month's topic is Divorce. I will write a story
about how I think children feel during a divorce. This is gathered from my
years working with students and is not about any student in particular. Due
to confidentiality reasons, there are no quotes from any students here at
LBS.
Millions of children are affected by divorce. Here is a story written from
the point of view of a child.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I sat up in my room all by myself, covering my ears. I turned the
radio on as loud as it could go. They won't stop fighting. If I ever scream
when I am mad they tell me not to yell at them and give me a lecture on
respect. I don't know what to do. Not that is was the first time. Once they
fought through Go Diego Go, Dora the Explorer & another Go Diego Go. It felt
like forever. Do you think other kid's parents fight like this? I am scared
to ask my friends. What if I am the only one whose parent's fight? That's
what I thought about while I was trying to figure out something to do to
keep my mind off the screaming downstairs. I wonder if they know I can hear
them. I wonder if they even care.
Dear Diary,
I just heard my mom on the phone. She said that dad might be moving? Why is
dad moving? She probably means that we are all moving. But to where? No one
told me about moving. I don't want to ask her because she might be mad at me
for listening to her on the phone. I am very confused and I have no one to
talk to about this. Life gets more confusing every day.
Dear Diary,
My aunt was here today. Mom was crying a little but she looked like she was
trying to hide it. I can tell when my parents are sad so I don't know
why they always fake that they are not. I asked mom what was wrong and she
told me she was just cutting onions for lunch because Aunt Kara was over. I
don't believe her, but I feel weird when I talk to my parents lately. I feel
like something is wrong, but I don't understand it. It makes my belly feel
funny. I don't know what it is but I wish someone would tell me. I'm part
of this family too!
Dear Diary,
This is the worst thing that could happen. Mom and Dad just asked me to sit
on the couch with them. They told me they were getting a divorce. My dad
will be moving to an apartment in another town. They told me it wasn't my
fault and they were both crying. I started to cry too and I didn't ask them
any questions. I don't know who I am going to live with, what's going to
happen to me, if I'll ever see my dad again or why he left me and mom. I
just want him to come back.
Dear Diary,
It's been a long time since I've written to you. I am at my dad's apartment
now. I come here every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I wish
my parents were together in the same house. I know this probably won't
happen, but I secretly wish it will. My mom has read some books about
divorce
to me, but she still gets upset when we talk about it. I like the books,
though, because they answer a lot of my questions and I don't have to ask
mom or dad. Two friends at my school also live at two different houses. I
really hate it, but at least they don't fight anymore. This is a big change.
I love both of my parents and this is really hard for me. I just hope that
everything is okay. This is going to take a lot of getting used to...I'm
doing the best I can.
-JLH
____________________________________________________________________________
Each child will feel differently about divorce. Some of the common feelings
are fear, anger, sadness and guilt. On the other hand, some children report
feeling a little better because their environment is more stable. The
fighting has stopped and they feel comfortable at home again. Most kids will
experience many, if not all, of these feelings.
I'll leave you with one common misconception. Try not to assume that just
because your child is not talking about the divorce that they are okay with
it. Children learn to associate. If they try to discuss the divorce with you
and you cry, get upset or are visibly distressed (face changes, eyes tear,
anything), they will probably only try a couple times before they learn that
this discussion upsets you. Your children love you and do not want to see
you upset. Therefore their solution is no discussion at all. This does not
mean they aren't having difficulty, it just means that they are protecting
you. And you thought that was your job...:)
In addition, sometimes it helps to establish a support system at school as
well as at home. I run a Divorce Group (called Rainbow Club, please see the
GROUPS page for more information) here at LBS. I am also available for
individual discussions about a student's feelings. Please call me if you
have any concerns.
Finally, I recognize this is probably one of the most difficult things
you've experienced in your lifetime. It is good if you find support anywhere
you can among adults (friends, family, place of worship, therapy, support
groups, etc). This will help you be open to all discussions about divorce
with your children. Books can be an excellent way to guide discussion. I've
included a list of my favorites below. These are for elementary age
children. I will also provide links for parents.
Dinosaur Divorce by Laurene Krasny and Marc Brown (Highly recommended)
My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned it Rightside Up by Mary Blitzer
Field & Hennie Shore
All About Divorce by Mary Blitzer Field
What Kind of Family is This? A Book about Stepfamilies by Barbara Seuling
*I have all of these books in my office and would be willing to lend them to
you.
Links for Parents (Copy and paste these links into your browser)
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/divorce.html
http://www.divorceinfo.com/children.htm
Guide your children to these websites. Always be close by for questions or
concerns. (Copy and paste link into your browser)
Frequently Asked Questions for Kids: http://kidsturn.org/kids/qa.htm
This is a game about their role in a divorce. It has clickable bugs that
give them advice. http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/responsibilities.htm
This website has games for your child to play to explore their feelings
about a divorce. http://kidsturn.org/kids/activiti.htm
One of the most helpful things for kids is art. This is something all
children can do. Use this website to introduce the idea. This is art done by
other children going through a divorce or separation. Encourage your child
to draw their own after discussing the art and the child's feelings.
http://www.kidsturn.org/kids/artwork.htm
Please contact me with any questions or concerns. I am more than willing to
help in any way that I can!
