What Can Parents Do At Home?
o If your child exhibits negative forms of perfectionism (e.g. fear of
failure, not trying new or difficult tasks), examine your own behavior, for
many perfectionist children have at least one perfectionist parent. Do you
set unrealistic goals for yourself? Are you overly critical of your own
achievements, including your performance as a parent? Do you do too much for
your children, implying that they can’t do things well enough? Help children
to see the difference between ‘the pursuit of excellence’ (which is
achievable) and ‘the pursuit of perfection’ (which is not).
o Be aware of how you use praise. Too much praise may cause children to
believe that they will only receive your love or acceptance if they earn it
through their achievements. Praise efforts as well as successes, congratulate
the child for handling failure positively, and give praise for actions
unrelated to ability, such as sharing or being considerate.
o Allow your child to be a child, rather than a gifted child, for parts of
their life. Allow him/her time to daydream or ‘just do nothing.’
“Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun.” George Scialabba
o Teach your child to delay gratification (i.e., not to expect that goals or
wants will be met straight away.) Talented children often become accustomed
to success and quick results. By learning to cope with difficult challenges,
where success is not immediate, your child may develop enough persistence
or ‘grim determination’ to handle the increasing demands of schooling and
life in general. You can help by showing your child how to break seemingly
unmanageable tasks into smaller steps where effort brings success. You can
also help your child by teaching him/her time management skills.
o Be an active listener to your child, particularly when problems arise. That
is, ensure that you understand the child’s concerns and point of view before
trying to offer advice. Active listening may involve paraphrasing what you
have heard, to ensure that you understood the child’s intention. (e.g., “Do
you mean that…?” or, “Are you saying that…?”
o Do not worry if you cannot always answer your child’s questions but do try
to help him/her find answers. Also, ask lots of question yourself, including
those where there are no clear cut answers. Creativity may be fostered by
showing children that we value their ideas and questions, including their
unusual ones. It has been suggested that it may be more important to learn
what questions to ask than what the answers to questions are. Similarly,
encourage children to think of different ways to accomplish a goal and then
choose the best method.
o Consider using ‘bibliotherapy’ as a way of addressing some of the things
that worry children. This involves the use of suitable books to help children
work through social-emotional problems; books where a main character exhibits
the same problem(s) as the child. For some children, the use of such a book
allows them to confront and deal with an otherwise painful situation by
looking at it through the eyes of the book character. It also may help for
children to see that others, whether real people (as in biographies) or
fictional characters, experience and cope with similar fears or pressures to
theirs.
Parents sometimes contribute to these pressures, usually without realizing
they are doing so. A few suggestions to support children in developing their
talents are:
o Beware of re-living your own life through your talented child. Naturally
you will want your child to share your vision of the ‘good life’, but not
necessarily in every detail, nor only as defined by you.
o Do not do for children things that they can do (or be helped to do) for
themselves. Parents and teachers do children no favors by prolonging their
dependence upon them. This is not a matter of ‘throwing children in at the
deep end’, but of helping them acquire the skills and confidence necessary to
take increasing responsibility for their own actions. For example, teach them
how to find what they want in the library, rather than find things for them;
help them with planning, instead of planning everything for them.
Sylvia Rimm, an expert on underachievement in potentially talented children,
identifies the following pressures they may experience:
o the pressure to be brilliant,
o the pressure to be creative,
o the pressure to do something spectacular,
o the pressure to find oneself,
o the pressure to be good,
o the pressure to be the best sibling.
(Rimm, S.B., 1987, Why do bright children underachieve? The Gifted Child
Today, 10 (6), 30-34.)
How Can Parents Help Their Children Make the Most of Schooling?
o Children whose needs are not being met at school may vent their anger and
frustration at home. Parents who see their child distressed by inappropriate
provision at school may understandably begin to develop a negative attitude
toward that school, or even toward schooling as a whole. However, there is
considerable evidence that home/school cooperation is the best way forward,
if a means of achieving this can be negotiated. Advice on how to promote
home/school cooperation, and make your child’s schooling as positive an
experience as possible, often includes the following:
o Learn as much as you can about talented children and how to care for them.
Perhaps subscribe to periodicals about gifted/talented children and their
education and pass these on to interested teachers.
o Where possible, offer concrete practical suggestions to the school,
including advice about the types of learning experiences that seem to benefit
your child and those that seem unsuccessful.
o Share with the school information about special interests or hobbies
displayed at home or in other nonschool settings. Having specific examples of
your child’s advanced abilities will be more convincing that just stating
that she/he seems gifted, or is ‘bored’ at school.
o Establish a positive relationship with the school by letting teachers know
when your child is feeling positive about school and specific activities, as
well as when you are concerned about something.
o Encourage your children to attempt and persevere with things they do not do
especially well. This may help them accepts that they need not always perform
at a very high level, while also developing empathy for others who find it
difficult to excel, and appreciation for those whose talents are different
from their own.
o Help your child to see the link between effort and success.
Underachievement can become chronic if the child attributes their successes
to outside factors (e.g. luck, easy work, the teaching liking them), but
their failures to lack of ability. Encourage children to take (reasonable)
responsibility for both their successes and their failures.
o Avoid overreacting either to the child’s successes or to her/his failures.
Gifted children should not be given the impression that they are valued only
for their high achievements.
o Gifted children are more likely to live up to their potential if parents
give clear, consistent, and positive messages about school effort and
expectations.
o Become knowledgeable about matters of state and school policy regarding
provision for gifted children, so that you are well informed when acting as
an advocate for your child.