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Ms. MacCarthy, Social Worker |
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Parents Ask....Frequently Asked Questions: Here are answers to some of the questions parents ask most.
HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD DEVELOP SOCIAL SKILLS? 1. BE AWARE of the stages in child development so you don't expect too much or too little from your child. (see my pages on development by grade) 2. ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD to express his or her feelings appropriately; respect those feelings. -Let your child know that everyone experiences pain, fear, frustration, anger and anxiety. -Try to learn the source of these feelings. -Help your child express anger positively, without resorting to violence. 3. PROMOTE MUTUAL RESPECT AND TRUST. -Keep your voice level down--even when you don't agree. -Keep communication channels open. 4. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. Use words and examples your child can understand. -Encourage questions. -Provide comfort and reassurance. -Be honest. -Focus on the positives. -Express your willingness to talk about any subject. 5. ARRANGE FOR PLAYDATES FOR YOUR CHILD. One to one interaction provides lots of opportunities for developing skills like sharing, waiting one's turn, resolving conflicts, and communication that aren't available in group situations. It can be difficult when parents have so little time but even playdates of short duration are of benefit to children. HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL?
WHO REFERS STUDENTS TO THE SOCIAL WORKER? Students can be referred to the school social worker by teachers, parents, administrators, community agencies, and other students. Students also refer themselves and seek out assistance from the Social Worker when they are in distress. Parent permission is obtained before a student begins counseling with the Social Worker. Exceptions are in crisis situations. HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR? Consistent discipline provides security and predictability for children. This results in improved behavior and increased cooperation which can lead to a more harmonious home situation. House Rules: Discipline That Works! Good for Ages: 4 and up. Haphazard, "let's try this" approaches to discipline are often doomed to failure, according to Penny Hutchins Paquette and Cheryl Gerson Tuttle, co- authors of Parenting a Child with a Behavior Problem (Lowell House Books). Rather than flailing about in the heat of the moment, the authors argue, parents should actually plan what they'll do when their kids are less than angelic. WHEN IT WORKS: House rules are an effective, proactive strategy when children know what the rules are, and what will happen if they are broken. Example: It's a house rule that homework has to be done before the TV goes on. If the homework's not done, you lose TV privileges for a set amount of time. WHY IT WORKS: It eliminates the need for parents to think on their feet, by making expectations within the household very clear and consistent. It also gives kids a chance to voice their opinions about what the rules should be and how they should be applied. Many families post house rules in a prominent place in the household. WHEN IT DOESN'T WORK: House rules fail to improve behavior when adults make them up arbitrarily, with little or no input from children, or when they fail to follow through. If parents ignore a broken curfew, for instance, house rules will cease to have any meaning and kids will ignore them. HOW CAN I GET MY CHILD TO DO HIS HOMEWORK? Here is a way for parents to help their children with homework by using a Homework Behavior Plan. If your child's study habits could use some first-aid, a Homework Behavior Plan can get you both focused on realistic strategies, goals, and rewards that can help get the job done. Instructions for using this strategy: 1. Determine what prevents homework from getting done (e.g., delay tactics such as arguing with parents or being easily distracted by phone, TV, video games, or siblings). 2. Brainstorm strategies with your child that will help stop the delay tactics and distractions. 3. Draw up a contract with your child that implements the agreed-upon strategy. 4. Award points each time the strategy is used. 5. Don't forget to give a reward for so many points earned. 6. Teach your child how to use this contract as a self-evaluation tool. Other information parents should consider: Don't overload! Address one to three issues at a time. For example, if your child never has everything she needs to complete her homework in her study area, the strategies to change this behavior could be: Make a list of what is needed, and then collect everything on the list and put it in the study area. Contact your child's teacher or the School Social Worker for more information. HOW CAN I HELP MY LEARNING DISABLED CHILD WITH HOMEWORK?
WHEN REPORT CARDS DON'T MAKE THE GRADE Does your child hide out at the neighbor's house when it's report card time? Before you go looking for her, read these five tips for dealing with the less-than-perfect report card. Contact your child's teacher with any questions or concerns about your child's academic progress. It is a team effort! 1. DON'T LOSE YOUR COOL: Though many people see report cards as motivating, they can also be demoralizing. "They can sap a child of his confidence," says Dr. Kenneth Shore, school psychologist and author of the Parent's Public School Handbook. "The report card is not a measure of your child's worth or of your parenting skills." But grades can have an impact on a child's future. Make this point constructively. 2. ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE: Point out what your child is doing well, whether it's an academic subject or an extracurricular activity. "Children need to know where they show motivation because they may not be aware of their strengths," says Dorothy Rich, president of the Home and School Institute. If your child does poorly in math, but enjoys figuring out basketball players' free-throw averages, make the connection for him. 3. LOOK BEHIND THE GRADE: The report card only indicates that there is a problem. Compare your child's papers over the year to see his progress. Discuss whether he's involved in too many extracurricular activities. "Kids need time to get their work done," says Rich. If your child is trying her hardest and still not understanding the material, contact the teacher immediately. 4. SET GOALS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Goals help us get motivated, but be realistic. If a child is getting all C's on his report card now, expecting all A's the next time may be an unrealistic goal. 5. CONTACT BUT DO NOT ATTACK THE TEACHER: "If a parent has any questions at all, the first thing he or she should do is call the teacher for clarification - not the principal," says Martie Fiske, a White House Distinguished Teacher. "A parent's first question should be: 'What's going on?'" Fiske suggests gathering more information before charging that something is wrong with the program or the teacher. HOW DO I GET MY CHILD TO TELL ME ABOUT HER SCHOOL DAY?
WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO DISCIPLINE MY CHILD?
WHAT DO I TELL MY CHILD ABOUT OUR DIVORCE? CHILDREN AND DIVORCE -from Facts for Families One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children's lives. While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen to them. Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their mother and father. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict. Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations: -Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute. -Tell your child together. -Keep things simple and straight-forward. -Tell them the divorce is not their fault. -Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone. -Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents. -Do not discuss each other's faults or problems with the child. Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem. Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child. Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful. For additional information ask me about more Facts for Families or further literature on divorce. There are many good books at the library or bookstore that can be helpful to both you and your child as you go through the process of divorce. HOW CAN I HELP MY LD CHILD BUILD CONFIDENCE + SELF ESTEEM? SOCIAL & EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES OF LEARNING DISABLED (LD) STUDENTS The social and emotional issues and needs of LD students are similar to those of all students but may be more pronounced and need specific interventions. The National Center for Learning Disabilities offers this information for parents and caregivers. Building Self-Esteem Positive self-esteem is as important to success in school and on the job as the mastery of individual skills. And there's no question that doing something well helps a person feel better about themselves, their accomplishments and their potential to succeed in the future. Learning disabilities, however, can make it difficult for a child to develop positive self-esteem, which may in turn contribute to a hard-to-break cycle of self- doubt, frustration and failure. Research has shown that being classified with LD does not, in and of itself, negatively impact self-esteem or confidence. Rather, there are a number of areas in which people with LD tend to exhibit characteristics that contribute to feelings of low self-worth: Communication style and social awareness: In conversation, they may have difficulty judging when or how it is appropriate to participate, or be unaware that their behaviors are annoying to others. Self-knowledge: They may have trouble understanding their strengths and weaknesses, or reflecting on and evaluating their behavior in social interactions. Language: They may have trouble expressing their thoughts verbally. Self-perceived social status: If they have trouble figuring out how they fit into their peer group, they may withdraw from social situations, become passive, or "stick out" in a crowd for trying too hard to fit in. Self-perceived ability to effect change: They may be prone to believing that they are not capable of controlling their own successes - that luck or fate is responsible for the outcome of a situation, not their own efforts. STRATEGIES FOR HELPING CHILDREN WITH LD BUILD CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM. In their book, The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence and Personal Strength in Your Life, Dr. Robert Brooks and Dr. Sam Goldstein offer parents guideposts to help children and adolescents develop the strength and skills they need to cope successfully with the challenges they face. Here are some key things, adapted from the book, that parents can do to help: -Be empathetic. See the world through your children's eyes. -Communicate with respect. Don't interrupt or put them down; answer their questions. -Give undivided attention. Children feel loved when we spend one-on-one time with them. -Accept and love children for who they are. This will allow them to feel more secure in reaching out to others and learning how to solve problems. -Give children a chance to contribute. This communicates your faith in their abilities and gives them a sense of responsibility. -Treat mistakes as learning experiences. Children whose parents overreact to mistakes tend to avoid taking risks, then end up blaming others for their problems. -Emphasize their strengths. A sense of accomplishment and pride give children the confidence to persevere when they face challenges. -Let them solve problems and make decisions. Avoid telling children what to do; encourage them to come up with solutions to problems. -Discipline to teach. Do not discipline in a way that intimidates or humiliates your child. Children with LD can also gain confidence and feel better about themselves when they develop competent social skills and positive relationships. Throughout life, self-esteem is a critical and often elusive ingredient for happiness and success. Even with the best experiences in school and at home, children are especially vulnerable to attacks on their feelings of self worth, and as we all know, memories of threats to self-esteem can linger. Individuals with LD are especially vulnerable to these threats by the very nature of their having LD. Coupled with intentional, effective instruction and meaningful support, building self-esteem is building a roadmap to future success for children with LD. WHAT ARE THE BASICS FOR TEACHING GOOD VALUES TO MY CHILD? Many people influence children. Siblings, classmates, teachers and friends leave impressions. So do the people children learn about from movies, TV, the computer, magazines and books. However, values start at home. 1. Put your values into action. "Live" the values that matter to you. 2. Set up firm but fair family rules that reflect your values. 3. Establish consequences for breaking family rules. Follow through. 4. Talk openly about your values and why they are important. Help your child understand that good values help people make good choices. 5. Use every opportunity to teach values. 6. Praise your child for demonstrating values you care about. 7. Reinforce values by pointing out when your child does something inappropriate. Give your child the chance to say "I'm sorry"or to fix the error if possible. 8. When correcting your child, explain that the behavior-not the child- is wrong. 9. Keep your eyes and ears open to examples of good values in the media and in your neighborhood. Point these out to your child. 10. Schedule family meals together. This is one of the best opportunities for enforcing your values. HELP! HOW CAN I HELP MY KIDS GET ORGANIZED? Developing good organizational skills is a key ingredient for success in school and in life. While some people by nature are more organized than others, anyone can put routines and systems to help a child "get it together". Here is a list of strategies that you can use to help your child get his or her life under control. 1. USE CHECKLISTS. Help your child get into the habit of keeping a "to do" list. Use checklists to post assignments, household chores, and reminders about what materials to bring to class. Your child should have a planner or notebook dedicated to listing homework assignments. Crossing completed items off gives your child a sense of accomplishment. 2. ORGANIZE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS. Before beginning a homework session, encourage your child to number assignments in the order in which they should be done. S/he should start with one that is not too difficult or too long, but don't save the longest or hardest assignments for last. 3. DESIGNATE A STUDY SPACE. Your child should study in the same place every night. This should be a quiet place with few distractions. All school supplies and materials should be nearby. Monitor progress and reinforce good study habits. 4. SET A DESIGNATED STUDY TIME. Your child should know that a certain time every day is reserved for studying and doing homework. It may or may not be right after school-some children need to time to unwind--some do better "getting it over with". This reserved time can be used to review notes, read for pleasure or work on an upcoming project when no homework is assigned. 5. KEEP NOTEBOOKS ORGANIZED. Help your child keep track of papers by organizing them in a binder or notebook. Use dividers, color coded folders, and separate folders for homework, papers to be signed, worksheets etc. as necessary. Some students do well with a binder that will hold all of these folders in one place. 6. CONDUCT A WEEKLY CLEAN-UP. Encourage your child to sort through book bags and notebooks on a weekly basis. Old tests and papers can be organized and kept in a file at home. 7. CREATE A HOUSEHOLD SCHEDULE. Establish and stick to a regular dinnertime and a regular bedtime. This will help children to develop a pattern at home. Chldren with a regular bedtime go to school well-rested. Limit TV watching and computer play to specific periods of time during the day. 8. KEEP A MASTER CALENDAR. Keep a calendar that lists the family's committments, extracurricular activities, days off from school, major family events and due dates for projects. 9. PREPARE FOR THE DAY AHEAD. Before your child goes to bed, s/he should pack schoolwork and books in a book bag. The clothes, including shoes, socks, and accessories should be laid out. This will reduce morning stress and allow your child to prepare quickly for the day ahead. 10. PROVIDE NEEDED SUPPORT WHILE YOUR CHILD IS LEARNING TO BECOME MORE ORGANIZED. Help your child develop organizational skills by having copies of checklists and schedules. Provide gentle reminders to fill in calendar dates and keeping papers in the right place. Most important, set a good example. FOURTH GRADE CHALLENGES: HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD SUCCEED? HOMEWORK ANXIETY Homework anxiety is common among kids ages 8 and 9. In the fourth grade the pressure's on. In grades K-three, teachers are focused on children's social development and basic skills. "In fourth grade, it's not just the concrete stuff anymore," says Maureen Morgan, adjunct professor of education at Lesley College in Massachusetts. "Teachers are now asking kids to look at abstractions and synthesize information, and the amount of written work increases." SOCIAL PRESSURE And as if the academic pressures weren't enough, fourth graders are also going through a host of developmental and social changes. On the edge of puberty, they're beginning to recognize who's smart, who's popular, and where they fit into the mix. As extracurricular activities abound, kids are also becoming more social outside of school. Friends and their opinions are becoming increasingly important. HOW YOU CAN HELP How can parents help their fourth graders adjust? Experts agree -it's very important for parents to be supportive. Kids this age are not ready to reject their parents' approval, but they are beginning to exert some independence This can make for a few power struggles, but hang in there. As schoolwork becomes more demanding, parents need to help kids learn how to structure their time. You and your child need to work out a homework schedule together and stick to it. Keeping track of other responsibilities and committments can help your fourth grader feel more in control. A helpful book on helping your child with homework is The Homework Handbook by Harriet Cholden, John A. Friedman, and Ethel Tiesky. HOW CAN I BUILD MY CHILD'S SELF -ESTEEM? A child's sense of self is rooted in the home. Here are some do's and don't's for raising children with a sense of trust, security and acceptance. DO * Tell your child you love her. Let her see you are glad she is who she is. * Take an interest. Spend time with him and listen to his point of view, without always having a wiser or better answer. Ask about interests without criticizing. * Compliment your child every day. * Expect help at home, even if it takes repeated, patient explaining that it is part of belonging to the family. This lets your child know he is needed and valued. * Help her learn problem-solving skills and to feel she can manage many things for herself. Mistakes are something we can all learn from. DON'T * Criticize the child, only his actions. It's better to say, " That was a hurtful thing you did," rather than "You're a bad boy". * Say, "I love you, but I don't like you." * Compare him or her to others, especially siblings and friends. * Hide your failures from your children. It is important for kids to know we all make mistakes, and it can be reassuring to know adults aren't perfect. HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD WHO HAS ATTENTION PROBLEMS? Some children struggle with behaviors such as inattention, distractibility, impulsivity and/or hyperactivity. These strategies, adapted from the National Association of School Psychologists, can help parents help their children be more successful in school. Hyperactivity: Provide External Structure Physical Controls - Include regular exercise, balanced diet, adequate sleep, medication if appropriate - Check schedules: mornings usually best for learning, need calm routine at bedtime. - Check environment for safety and removed treasured items, prevent problems Predictability - Use consistent rules across time and place - Prepare for changes to new activity - Practice simple daily routines - Have regular contact with school Distractibility: Focus on Priorities Priorities - Organize backpack - Have a 'Launch Pad' area for next morning's materials and messages - Encourage on-task behavior - Request special education assessment if appropriate Directions - Use simple, positive directions showing what to do instead of what not to do - Give visual cues Distractors - Provide regular time and clean area for doing homework - Limit and balance extra curricular activities Impulsivity: Build Self-Confidence Social Skills - Build on strengths - Teach game-playing skills, taking turns, making choices - Encourage noncompetitive sports (karate, swimming, gymnastics) - Teach friendship skill (making requests, giving compliments, less rough play) Parent Support - Enroll in classes in behavior management - Join support groups - Use 'special time' for bonding Counseling and Management - Use strategies to reduce impulsive behavior - Model Positive self-talk and goal-settting - Reward frequently HOW DO I BUILD RESILIENCE IN MY CHILD? Building Resilience in Your Child Adversity is a natural part of life. At some point, we all face difficulties, such as family problems, serious illness, a personal crisis, or a painful loss. Being resilient is important to dealing with adversities like these. While most parents hope that their children never face extreme adversity, successfully facing tough situations can actually foster growth and give children the skills to be more resilient in the future. Most people have a natural tendency to adapt and bounce back from adversity. However, parents can help their children learn to face challenges successfully, whether it is the stresses of everyday life, such as academic difficulties or problems with friends, or severe adversity, such as losing a home and being displaced from normal routines for months. Following are five ways to promote resiliency in your children and help protect them from long- term ill affects of difficult experiences. 1. THINK POSITIVE!! Modeling positive attitudes and positive emotions is very important. Children need to hear parents thinking out loud positively and being determined to persist until a goal is achieved. Using a 'can do' problem-solving approach to problems teaches children a sense of power and promise. 2. EXPRESS LOVE AND GRATITUDE!! Emotions such as love and gratitude increase resiliency. Praise should always occur much more often than criticism. Children and adolescents who are cared for, loved, and supported learn to express positive emotions to others. Positive emotions buffer kids against depression and other negative reactions to adversity. 3. EXPRESS YOURSELF!! Resilient people appropriately express all emotions, even negative ones. Parents who help kids become more aware of emotions, label emotions appropriately, and help children deal with upsetting events are giving them useful life skills. 4. GET FIT! Good physical health prepares the body and mind to be more resilient. Healthy eating habits, regular exercise and adequate sleep protect kids against the stress of tough situations. Regular exercise also decreases negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, and depression. 5. FOSTER COMPETENCY! Making sure that children and adolescents achieve academically is great protection against adversity. Children who achieve academic success and who develop individual talents, such as playing sports, drawing, making things, playing musical instruments or playing games are much more likely to feel competent and be able to deal with stress positively. Social competency is also important. Having friends and staying connected to friends and loved ones can increase resiliency. Social competency can even be created by helping others. Protecting our children against all of life's unexpected painful events is not possible. Giving them a sense of competency and the skills to face adverse circumstances can be a valuable legacy of all parents. Resiliency can be built by understanding these important foundations. The more we practice these approaches; the better able our children will be to weather whatever life brings. HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD WITH ADHD? Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurological condition that should be diagnosed by a medical doctor. Symptoms can include distractibility, that is, an inability to stay on one task. Other symptoms include inattention, lack of focus and impulsivity where the child acts on his/her emotions with little regard for consequences. Some children also experience hyperactivity where they cannot sit still, talk excessively and seem to be in constant motion. Both parents and teachers should be involved in the diagnosing and treatment process. Treatment consists of possible medication, counseling or therapy, education and training. Parents can help their ADD or ADHD child by using a SCHEDULE at home and sticking to it with time for meals, homework, play and sleep built in to it. These children especially benefit from having a predictable routine. ORGANIZATION is important. There should be a place for everything such as coats, shoes, homework supplies, books, and toys. CLEAR AND CONSISTENT RULES AND EXPECTATIONS make it easier for children to know what you want them to do and follow your directions. PRAISE and ENCOURAGEMENT go a long way for children with ADHD. For every correction give at least 4 positive comments to your child, the more the better! SEEK understanding and knowledge of the condition in order to help yourself and your child cope with this challenging diagnosis. Check out the websites and books listed on this website for further information. |
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